My alarm clock. Oh no, please no. How long have I slept? About 2 hours? Or less?
How am I feeling? Am I sick? Am I gonna get sick? Why did I have to wake up. I’m so tired. I just want to sleep. What if something’s gonna happen today? I do not have the energy to deal with anything. Can’t I just stay in bed, I’m never gonna graduate anyways. I won’t ever get a job. Am I just lazy? I can’t. I just want it to be evening already, so I can sleep.
Did I really stare at the ceiling for 1 hour already? I need to catch my bus today or else I’m gonna miss so much because I’m too afraid to walk in late. But I’m not ready. I’m sooo tired. I can’t move. Why can’t I even get out of bed, it’s not that hard. I’m a fucking failure.
My bus is here in 15 mins and I’m still in bed. I’m gonna look like a zombie and I won’t have the right materials in my bag. I NEED TO GET UP NOW. Only 9 more hours until I’m home again. 9 fucking hours. Damn. GET UP NOW YOU DUMB FUCK.
Oh is that the right bus? What if it isn’t? Am I halluzinating? Do I stand in the right place? Don’t move to fast or everybody will stare at you. Don’t walk too far right, the busdriver is gonna think you’re too dumb to get into a bus. Oh no everybody’s gonna think you want to punch them to get in first. Well, now I’m the last one. Please let me get a free seat, I’m unable to stay on my feet the whole ride, I absolutely do not have the energy to do that. Oh god where is a seat, I take too long, everybody is staring at me, they think I’m too dumb and too slow. Just sit down somewhere, anywhere. What if that person doesn’t want me to sit there? Am I taking up too much space? How the fuck am I supposed to survive this?
Oh please let this be the right room, don’t let me be the last one. No why am I the first one, what if it’s the wrong room, I won’t get in first, I’m not able to talk to the teacher, I’ll just wait here until someone goes in first. What are they gonna think of me, like “is she too dumb to see that the door is already open” or “why doesn’t she go in”. I can’t do this. I want to go home. I need to get out of here. I’m trapped. I’m gonna die.
Am I sitting weird? Is there something on my back or something wrong with my hair? Please eyes stay open. Okay I need to listen. I need to study. Oh god I’m so silly, I won’t ever graduate, I won’t ever get a job I like, I could die by now, it would be totally okay, I’m never gonna achieve the things I dreamed of. I’m so tired. Why can’t I focus? Stop thinking. Listen. Read that fucking text. Why can’t I identify the letters, please eyes, all I want you to do is focus on the letters. I’m holding my pen in a weird way. Oh god someone’s laughing, they’re talking about me. The teacher probably hates me and thinks I’m dumb as fuck. Please don’t call on me, no please no, my brain doesn’t work, I can’t answer. I need to look away. FUCKING EYECONTACT. This is too much. I need to get out. I’m always making a fool out of myself. WHY am I so dumb. I want to die.
I’m so sorry, ex teacher, I wanted to say hello, too, but I’m too shy. I’m not rude, I’m sorry for not saying anything. Please don’t hate me. I don’t want to come back to this place ever again. Am I walking weird? Is there something wrong with my face? Oh god everybody’s looking at me, talking and laughing about me. My friends are probably lying and don’t even like me. How could anyone ever like me? I would never wanna be friends with myself. I need to get out. I wanna go home. I wanna sleep. I’m so tired and everything hurts.
I’ve been sitting on my bed and staring at the wall for like 2 hours, I really need to do my homework. I have to study, I have to get good grades or I’ll never be able to get the job I want. Oh what the fuck am I thinking, I won’t ever graduate, I’m gonna end up homeless under a bridge if I’m still alive by this time. Do your fucking homework or you’ll regret it later. It’s not that exhausting to get on your desk, it’s literally two steps away, get up and start. Damn you’re so dumb. MOVE! Everything hurts, I’m so tired, I want to do my homework but I want to sleep, I want this to end, I can’t carry on, I’m too weak.
In the evening
Well, I haven’t done a single thing. I hate myself. I won’t ever get a job. I’m a zombie, a snob. All I did was sitting on my bed for hours doing nothing, like every day, and I’m still soo tired. I want to sleep. Forever.
Oh god I did everything wrong, I dissappointed so many people. Doing stuff is so easy and I’m still too dumb for it. Everybody I know is able to do that shit, so I am, too. I’m just lazy as fuck. I want to sleep. Dear mind, please stop overthinking. No that thing I did 5 years ago is so embarrasing, someone kill me please. I’m not gonna get any sleep today. Tomorrow’s gonna be even more horrible than today. If this is what my life is gonna look like I don’t want it. I’m such a loser. Everybody can handle life, everybody but me.