My IQ is 126 in stress situations. I used to be really good at school. I never really had to study.
I am failing all my classes. I repeated this year. I am supposed to sit my A-Levels in a few months. I don’t think I ever will.
I am late for school almost every day. I can’t sleep at night. I can’t get up in the mornings. I lay in bed until I only have five minutes left. I missed my bus more often than I catched it.
I leave school early almost every day. I can’t concentrate. I can’t get through it. I feel like I can’t stay awake any longer. I feel like it doesn’t even matter if I am there or not. I can’t listen anyways. I never understand a thing. I don’t even try to.
I show up without my homework every single day. I don’t even try to do them. I don’t even write them down in class. I don’t even listen to what they are. I never unpack my books. I have to choose every day between lying to my teachers and risking the chance of them finding out and lowering my grade and telling them and have them lower my grade.
I don’t talk. If I do, it’s because I catched a few words and had an idea. I need so much time to build up the bravery to show up. I most often don’t think about the questions. I most often don’t even hear them.
I am afraid of every single teacher. I am pretty sure that they all think I’m lazy and always skipping school. I am pretty sure that they hate me just as much as I hate myself. I am pretty sure that they hate when I ask something. So I try to never ask.
I never study. I read a few sentences on the internet two minutes before an exam. I sit through an exam hating myself for not studying. I sit there panicking. But I end up not studying for the next one either.
My therapist always asks me to explain why it’s so hard to start. But it’s so hard to explain. I don’t think I can.
But when I think about doing homework, my thoughts are:
“I need to get up. I need to move my legs, my arms, my hands, my head, my everything. I need to walk to the hallway to get my bag. I need to open the bag. I need to find the right book. I need to take that book out of the bag. I need to take out my pencil case. I need to take out my notebook. I need to close the bag. I need to walk back to my room. I need to sit down. I need to get out the pen. I need to open the pen. I need to hold the pen. I need to put the pen down on the paper. I need to hold onto that paper. I need to open the book. I need to search for the right page. I need to search for the sentence. I need to focus my eyes on the letters. I need to read the sentences. I need to understand the text. I need to remember the facts. I need to focus my eyes on the paper again. I need to move my hand. I need to think about what letter to write. I need to find the right words. I need to move my hand all the way from the left to the right, up and down. I need to breathe. I need to blink. I need to shut out all the noise. I need to find a position I can sit in for a while. I need to make my brain think. I need to think. I need to stay awake. I need to …
I haven’t even started at this point. And even a single one of these tasks feels as if I could never master it. No matter how much I tried.